“An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self…”

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“An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self, and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.” ~Harriet Lerner

I first wrote this for my clients, as many of them are well along their journeys to setting healthy boundaries.

You may have been working on boundaries for years, or perhaps you're asking yourself: What is a boundary?

Some boundaries are easy to visualize—like a fence around a forest. It’s a clear image because you can see both the fence and the forest it protects. But when it comes to your emotional, psychological, and spiritual self, a boundary is an invisible line of protection that you draw around yourself. This boundary serves to protect your well-being, the integrity of your relationships, and what’s important to you. While your boundaries may hold immense value for you, they may not always align with what others want or expect.

I wanted to share a quote I first heard from Justin Michael Williams, attributed to Kasey Crown:

"Many of us are conditioned to be so uncomfortable with disappointment—and with holding another person’s disappointment—that we are completely willing to abandon our own knowing and truth in order to ensure that another person is not uncomfortable. Therefore, we don’t set boundaries, so we won’t have to sit with the discomfort of having caused disappointment."

Setting healthy boundaries requires building resilience in tolerating the disappointment of others. In your fundamental need to be loved, you might lose touch with your own truth. Throughout childhood, you may have been taught, even unknowingly, to ignore the wisdom that came from within. At the time, your greatest wisdom may have been to choose the safest route. Your nervous system picked up cues that it wasn’t safe to say no, or to set a boundary. It wasn’t okay to say, "This isn’t okay."

And that, too, is okay.

Now, arrive in your body.

Your body gives you signals when something is not okay. When someone makes a request of you, notice if your chest tightens or your stomach drops. Maybe you start to sweat, or your eyebrows tense. Perhaps your energy drains. These cues are trying to tell you something. Your body and brain are in constant communication. Your body knows, and it’s telling you.

I invite you to begin—or continue—your journey by tuning into the wisdom of your body.

We meditate to listen. We create art to listen. We enter into stillness to listen. We write to listen. We breathe to listen. We light candles to listen.

Before we learn to say no to others, we must first learn to say yes to ourselves.

Where do you start? Start by simply listening…

Peace and love to you.

@benildatherapy